Originally posted July 12, 2016.

Today I am on CD 30 and 13 DPO. I have been feeling some odd cramps–very mild–today and also feeling very cranky and irritable. I am pretty confident I’m out of the running for a baby this month.

Also, I just went to the restroom and noticed some very light spotting. I don’t know if this is breakthrough bleeding or if it’s the end of another fruitless cycle. I am feeling like it’s the latter, but I just don’t want to give up yet.

I’m feeling kind of down and out about this still… and I’m desperately trying to keep it together. I can imagine hubby’s eyes lighting up when I tell him we’re pregnant. I can envision my in-laws bursting into tears and some playful jabs saying “It’s about damn time!” I can see my friends and family jumping for joy. I can see the growing belly and imagine the joy when I feel a little one move for the first time. I can imagine bawling my eyes out the first time I hear the heartbeat. I want it. I want it all. And I just can’t have it. It’s so gut-wrenching.