Originally posted July 11, 2016.

So, I tested AGAIN. This time on 10 DPO…another BFN (big fat negative). Not sure why I do this to myself. I guess the good thing is it shows I’ve not completely lost hope.

So, listen to this…
I also had an old friend from college who’s wife just gave birth this week so that was on Facebook. Another Facebook friend just announced she’s expecting her 2nd child. My aunt–she’s only 3.5 years older though–is due any freaking day now with her 3rd, which was unplanned, but still a very joyous occasion. My lesbian friend from HS is roughly halfway through her pregnancy… not to mention the 2 other people on Facebook who are preggers. Oh and 1 girl at work is on maternity leave. Two more girls are pregnant. I went to a workshop/seminar this weekend… the presenter? Pregnant. Even my primary care physician and my gyno are pregnant!!!

But me? NOT pregnant.

Can I just be honest and say that while I am very happy for all of these people in my life, I am starting to get a little pissed off that this is proving to be so difficult for us when the rest of the world is all a-buzz with their easy breezy pregnancies. Or so it seems. I feel so defeated sometimes. Like… what the heck is wrong with me that I can’t accomplish what comes so damn easy for everyone else? It’s really proving to be quite difficult to stay positive and optimistic. Truth be told, I feel angry with God for keeping this from me. I feel resentful toward Him of my situation. I really do.

*deep breath*

I am resolving to not count myself out just yet this month. Here it is Monday. I took my last test first thing in the morning yesterday. I’m hoping I am pregnant but my hcG levels were just low enough they weren’t detected. My Fertility Friend app AND my Glow app both have my expected period set for Wednesday. I really hope it doesn’t come… I’m hoping, praying, and crossing my fingers. I’m ready for my BFP to finally come.